


In Other News

by XmagicalX (Xparrot)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Gen, Humor, Juvenilia, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1997-04-19
Updated: 1997-04-19
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:56:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xparrot/pseuds/XmagicalX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In other news, an alien spaceship landed on top of the Capitol building, bringing words of peace, love, and what <i>really</i> happened to Samantha.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Other News

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: MULDER yada SCULLY yada yada yada yada CHRIS CARTER  
> yada 10-13 yada yaya FOX yada yada yoda yada NO MONEY yada yda  
> yada yada.

Of course the biggest news story of this week (and you'd have to  
have been living in an isolation tank not to have heard)

 

(Or maybe living on Mars, June.

 

Yes, Bob) is of course the historic landing of an  
extraterrestrial spacecraft on the dome of the Capitol Building.  
The beings within brought messages of peace and friendship, and  
were sincerely apologetic for having crushed the top of one of  
the nation's monuments.

At this moment the ship's captain is in a special meeting with  
Congress and the Executive office discussing the signing of a  
treaty and alliance between Earth and the alien worlds. Bob, can  
you tell us a little more about this?

 

Sure thing, June. These visitors, who appear relatively as many  
crackpots and nutcases over the decades have described them--can  
I have a picture here? Thank you--note the large, innocent black  
eyes and the pearly grey-white skin. Our new acquaintances and  
soon-to-be allies have, despite rumors to the contrary, made no  
threats to eliminate the major landmarks and/or cities of the  
world. They show every sign of desiring peace.

As a sign of their goodwill, they have admitted to several acts  
which they just as easily could have kept hidden. They admit to  
having performed several "abductions," though they are denying  
all charges of sexual harassment and paternity suits brought  
against them. They also deny that they had anything to do with  
the death of Elvis Presley, though when asked about the fate of  
James Hoffa their spokesman's only words were "No comment."

The visitors have closed several other police cases and  
disappearances. One of these has some interesting twists, and it  
happened right here in our nation's capitol. June has the story-  
-

 

Thank you, Bob. Alien abductions have always been thought to be  
a figment of the imaginations of loonies and sci-fi screenplay  
writers. But now it seems that they're real, and people will  
have to learn to deal with the consequences. For some people,  
this may bring strain into their lives, to know that their poor  
ill loved ones actually are sane. But for other people, it  
brought happiness--as well as a few surprises.

One such surprise came to Special Agent Fox Mulder of the Federal  
Bureau of Investigation. Yesterday, this agent was informed that  
his sister Samantha, who has been missing for twenty-four years,  
was in fact an alien abductee.

The visitors did not return Samantha, however. Instead, they  
brought news that she had been returned quite some time before,  
only half a year after her abduction. The reason she had never  
been found was that she had apparently been surgically altered in  
appearance and given to a host family which agreed to raise her  
as their own. Her memories were altered as well, and the  
Scullies never told their younger daughter her true origins.

In a surprising and ironically amusing twist of fate, Samantha  
Mulder--renamed Dana Scully--joined the FBI herself and was  
assigned as partners to her own brother.

 

So they didn't know?

 

No, Bob! I'm told the reunion was quite incredible. The only  
difficulty now is that Dana doesn't know who to call "Mom"--  
Margaret Scully, her mother by her memories, or Mrs. Mulder, her  
mother by birth.

 

[chuckling] Nature vs. nurture. I'm afraid they'll never work  
that debate out, June. Now, in other news...

Only a few hours after that little discovery a tragedy occurred.  
Worldwide over 250,000 women more-or-less simultaneously  
suicided. They all were apparently part of a mass underground  
cult. Tearful friends were unable to explain fully; all they  
would say was that the women called themselves  
"Relationshippers."

Police are searching for connections between this cult and  
another event. At the same time as this tragedy, over a million  
other women across the globe threw enormous parties, acting like  
idiots and running around screaming "He's mine! HE'S MINE!!! I  
will bag the fox!!" and related mysterious phrases.

In other news, the number of women applying to the FBI jumped  
three thousand percent from yesterday. Back to you, June--

 

This just in: Congress has signed the treaty, forging the first  
alliance between Earth and another planet. Apparently they had  
good reason. According to our new friends, a large fleet of  
other aliens, these with the ability to appear human, is heading  
directly toward our planet--and they don't bring good news and  
happiness. They have sent down several groups already to  
colonize, and have now decided that they want Earth to  
themselves, and just to themselves. This is despite the fact  
that they apparently have forged connections with high levels of  
our government. Since they won't get here until July 1, most  
people aren't too concerned--with the aliens' help we should have  
adequate defenses built. The president is telling the nation's  
citizens to rely on the government and not to panic--Bob, where  
are you going?

 

Me? Oh, need to build my fallout shelte--er, I mean I left the  
cat outside. Be back in a few days--

 

Wait, Bob! Oh, heck with it. Good-bye! Back to the news, now.  
There is no cause for alarm, the visitors assure us. They have  
already taken precautions to help us--the abduction, alteration,  
and new identity of Samantha Mulder, we are told, was to hide the  
two Mulder children from these other aliens. The Mulders may be  
able to help us in some way during our fight--though the aliens  
refuse to say how exactly.

They do say that these other aliens have technology that, if we  
could capture it, may prove useful. They cite in particular a  
breathing device that, though noisy and cumbersome, may allow  
smokers inflicted with lung cancer to survive. We'll have to  
wait for these wonders until the new aliens arrive, of course.

Now we go to Marty, who has the entertainment news.

 

Thank you, June. Hate to disappoint you, people, but you can't  
get away from the little grey men. The alien's influence extends  
even into our nation's "fun" industry. The biggest event is the  
suit they brought against Lucasfilms, Inc.

George Lucas denied all the charges that he stole the plot for a  
few of his more well-known movies from the aliens' plight,  
specifically their battle against the so-called "evil" other  
aliens' "empire". In a recent turn of events Lucas was  
vindicated; apparently a splinter "rebel" group of aliens  
actually sold him the storyline to raise revenue for one of their  
protest rallies.

Lucas will therefore be able to attend the wedding of the star of  
a few of his films, Harrison Ford, who after a whirlwind one-day  
romance has agreed to marry Dana Scully of Washington, DC.

 

[whisper] The /same/ D. Scully, Marty?

 

[whisper] How 'n heck should I know, June? [normal voice]  
Everyone seems pleased with the news of the wedding. The foster-  
mother of the bride, when interviewed, mentioned that Dana was on  
the young side for Ford, but also displayed pride that her  
daughter had managed to grab "the only man hotter than her  
(Dana's) partner" (or brother, as it turns out). [whisper] Guess  
it was the same one after all, June!

 

[whisper] Guess so! [normal voice] Other news, such as sports,  
will be on hold for a little while, since in honor of the aliens'  
landing and to bag the best ratings all TV stations are on  
permanent coverage of the ship. So now we take you there for an  
exclusive interview with Brig-lets, Second Mteiyjrh-bleg of the  
Lower Right-side Tube-holder, done by our own anchorman Donald  
Hunt. Don's become quite an expert in speaking Xixxraz, the  
language of our alien visitors...let's hope his accent doesn't  
offend. Good-night, folks, good luck to you, Samantha and Fox,  
in your battle against our alien foes, and now to you, Don!

**Author's Note:**

> It was a joke! Really!  
> First an addition to the DISCLAIMER: George Lucas belongs to  
> himself, and so do all his great ideas...belong to HIM, I mean,  
> not to themselves! And now, a little author's note:  
> In case anyone was wondering where this thing came from, it's a  
> direct result of three things: A) a strong desire to write  
> something funny (how did I do?) B) the realization that Scully is  
> the same age as Samantha and C) me and my sister's belief that  
> Harrison's the only actor who tops DD...barely!  
> How did I do with the humor part? Write me--please! Tell me you  
> laughed hysterically, tell me never to write humor again (I don't  
> guarantee that I'll listen to you in that case), just RESPOND! I  
> don't know if it'll bother you or not, but I usually reply back  
> as soon as I can...


End file.
